Feel the fear

I told someone I was having a show jumping lesson today.

"Why?" she asked.

And I really struggled to answer. I don't have my own horse, I will probably never compete or do more than three jumps in a row and it's pretty dangerous jumping horses over coloured fences. So I had a little think about why I want to be a really good rider.

I believe it's what people call a mid-life crisis, a feeling of life slipping away before your eyes and heading towards the big 4-0. It is making me assess what I would like to do. Not what the kids need, or what he needs or what anyone else requires me to do. Something just for me.

But it's not just about trying to squash loads of great things into my life while I can, it's also about facing my fears. I am a little bit scared of jumping - there I said it. I really hate being scared of jumping because in the olden days, when I was 16 or so, jumping was the only reason to be on a horse.

I utterly hate the feeling of being scared when I didn't used to be. Motorway driving finds me holding my breath as I overtake lorries, taking off in aeroplanes makes me irrationally nervous and Africa had me terrified. Of course I still do all the things that make me feel frightened and I feel proud when I have conquered the fear. It's exactly the same with jumping horses. Feel the fear and do it anyway. So I did.

Because when I dismounted after an amazing lesson I buzzed all the way through the rest of my day, I am still buzzing now. I can't wait to do it again. Sort of!